Oh! Not those colors.
I need stripes, that's what I need. I need some stripes.
I bet she's got stripes.
Oh, my Lord.
- Hallmarks? - Four.
- Name them. - Hall or town, maker, date, standard.
- Leopard's head. - Crowned or uncrowned?
Oh, not just a pretty face!
- Come to think of it... - Not a pretty face at all.
- The crowned. - Uh, leopard's head crowned...
London, 1719 to 1836.
- I think he's got it. - By George he's got it!
I think he's knocked the little hallmarks on the head!
(♪ Classical music)
Why aren't you using straight-line depreciation?
Well, find out for gawd's sake. That's what I pay you for, don't I?
Pillock.
(Phone)
- Hello? - Hi, doll. It's me.
Home in ten.
I could murder a very large G&T. See ya.
Yeah, all right, then, Joe. Yeah, OK.
Oh!
Oh, no.
Something sparkling in the fridge for later.
What do you mean?
Way-hey! There's my lovely girl.
Bottoms up.
- Want your Wedgwood cufflinks? - You got them out the safe?
Oh, no. Anything will do.
- This is not right, is it? - It's lovely.
- It's not too, you know? - Beautiful, girl. Beautiful.
Only, go easy on the booze.
Three glasses of wine, top weight. Don't want you snorkeling at the Felshams'!
I'm not a total 'nana, you know, Joe.
You're beautiful, doll.
Only this nosh, multo importanti. Know what I mean?
No.
- Gruder? - Joe and Lily.
- And he's in property? - Builder, developer, entrepre-what-not.
Hmm. Will I like him?
- Salt of the earth, my darling. - Salt's not good for you.
A chance to get to know him in a non-business context.
- No shop. - Jane, please!
(Sniffs)
Ahem.
Ah, there you go.
- Yeah? - Barnet's nice.
Oh, yeah, Cath did it. She always does it ever so nice.
You never wear them pearls no more.
Well, I didn't think that they went with this dress, that's all.
If you've got it, flaunt it, that's what they say.
Well, we don't want to look like a pair of flash prats, do we, Joe?
Oi. Twenty-odd grand them pearls cost me and that's when a grand was a grand.
- Well, I'll wear them if you want me to. - Nah, it don't matter.
Some of them titled folks, they haven't got a penny to scratch their bums on.
Nah, Felsham's rich. Owns half of Suffolk.
- Right, you fit? - Mm.
Once this deal goes through, we'll own the other half, right?
- Right! - Right.
(Car starter motor falters)
- I was afraid of that. - Bloody Miriam, she'll have to go!
I thought that was the whole point, Lovejoy. A certain reluctance to go.
Eight?
I invited Lovejoy.
Oh.
- Who's he paired with? - Rosemary Blake.
That should stop him laughing in church.
(Horn)
- Joe, good to see you. - Alex.
- The trouble-and-strife. Lily. - Delighted to meet you.
- Darling, Joe and Lily. My wife Jane. - Hello.
Hello, your Ladyship. I'm ever so sorry but I don't really know what to call you.
It couldn't be more simple. I'm Jane, he's Alex.
I thought you were going to say Tarzan! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
- Will sir be wanting me to wait? - Foxtrot, Oscar.
Eh?
- What happened to Miriam? - Intensive care.
Don't worry, I'll run you home.
(Joe) One thing I do remember, I always wanted to live in a house with a bath.
A swimming bath?
No, love. Ordinary two-tap job - one hot, one cold.
I can still hear us Hackney kids shouting, "Cold, cold!"
The attendant, God rot him, kept throttling back on the hot water.
- Life was real. - Too bloody real.
What's your wrinkle, then, Mr. Lovejoy?
- Antiques. - You don't look that old!
Oh, bless you, Lily.
(Lily) Ha, ha, ha, ha!
Lovejoy and I run an interior design consultancy.
No kidding.
- Don't we? - What?
- Our little business. - Oh, yes!
So if you ever get bored with your William and Mary
and you want to go all Victorian, we'll help you get there.
You must come over and see our place, mustn't they, Joe?
Oh, yeah. All comers welcome. D'you make a living out of your antiques, then?
Well, as they said in Rome, Joe, "S.P.Q.R."
- Sorry? - Small profit, quick return.
- Pile it high, sell it cheap. - Today's junk is tomorrow's antiques.
It's slander, but they keep on saying it.
- Do you ride, Joe? - Certainly.
Every morning - out on the old exercise bike, fighting the flab!
I meant horses.
Listen, there's three things you can rely on -
death, taxes, and me not getting on a horse.
- Rosemary has a new horse. - I know. I saw you out the other day.
Daddy bought it for me at Newmarket. A three-year-old colt.
- A real daisy cutter! - Enormous great thing.
Only 15 hands.
I wouldn't like to sit next to him in a cinema! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Are these portraits all Felshams?
(Jane) Yes, miserable-looking lot.
(Lily) Oh, I agree.
Cigar time.
They say the finest ones are Havana leaf
rolled in the sweat from a Cuban girl's thigh.
Not this one, but...
you can dream, can't you?
So, Joe Gruder, what do you reckon?
I can't help remembering something my old granny used to say -
"There'll be tears before bedtime."
I get this feeling somebody could get hurt.
And I get this feeling...
it won't be Joe.
- Bye. - Bye.
(Lily) Thank you, Jane. It was ever so nice.
So, what did you think of Joe?
- Well, I was going to ask Alex that. - Let's hear your opinion.
Well, it's nothing to do with me, but as a divvy I do get these vibrations.
I thought that was The Beach Boys.
- Ignore him. - Well...
Well, I would need to know a lot more about him before I got involved.
- He smiles too much. - And what a smile.
- It's like a slit in a letterbox. - That your considered opinion?
- I've probably met more villains than you. - I am a J.P.
There can't be that many heavies in the House of Lords.
I wouldn't be too sure.
With respect, Lovejoy, your divvying applies to antiques, not business.
Real business. Which is why you arrived on a motorbike and Joe came in his Rolls.
Touché.
You were right about one thing, though. It is nothing to do with you.
You know all those pictures in the Felshams' dining room?
All the ancestors.
- You want to see mine up there, then? - Be nice.
They'd all have numbers across their chests.
Oh, Joe!
- You were very rude. - Was I?
Very. I agree with Lovejoy.
When don't you?
Joe Gruder started life by boiling beetroot for his greengrocer.
That's marvelous.
His favorite expression is "cut the crap".
Probably loses something in the translation.
This is the '90s, Jane. The 1990s. There are no more free lunches.
Assets are there to be used, to be made to sweat.
Oooooh!
From Mr. Joe Gruder.
Oh!
Thank God he only came to dinner.
There you go. £7 billion increase in trunk-road spending.
- They're going to be crying out for gravel. - We're certain there's gravel there?
The survey says so. Tons and tons of it. You're sitting on a goldmine, Alexander.
Hmm. And then we turn the landfill site into a mere or a bird sanctuary?
- Felsham Mere. - It doesn't sound too grandiose, does it?
No. This is our chance to put something pack into the pot.
We've both been lucky men, Alex. This is where we say thank you, right?
- Right. - Right.
(Joe) This a specially commissioned scale model of Chez Gruder.
And inside...
voi-la! All the goodies.
Thought you'd like that. Have a little play with that later, eh?
And over here, the Burmese crumpet after the school of Rembrandt!
- Like it? - It's...
Remarkable? Is that Morris or Li Ho Rembrandt?
Sorry? Oh.
Remarkable.
- How much, then? - For what?
Decking the place out with antiques. They don't have to be new.
- There's no answer to that. - Why not?
Could be as high as... As high as...
Yeah?
A hundred thousand?
Make it fifty. There's two in it for you in readies.
It's a landscape, Tink, but I saw it at yesterday's viewing.
It's a panel attributed to George Vincent - a fella driving two cows.
- What sort of cows? - Normal sort, four legs.
- No, what breed? - Breed? I don't know.
- Black and white jobs. - Friesians.
Friesians, schmiesians. It's a fella, two cows.
A drover, you know, in a white smock, two cows, a river and some trees.
- Any hills? - Rolling alluvium with limestone outcrop.
- Any more questions? - I'm just making sure we get the right one.
Well, put a shout in for me, will you?
- How loud? - Three hundred.
- Three-and-a-half top whack. - Will do.
I'll see you at The Cock later.
- Lovejoy. - Oh, hello, Joe.
- Have you got a mo? - Sure.
Look...
I know antiques is your game, but... well, it's Lily's birthday coming up soon.
- Ah, a little something for madam? - Yeah. I want a portrait done.
- Of her? - No, of me.
Like the ones Felsham's got.
Oh.
- When is this birthday? - Next Tuesday.
- Doesn't give us much time, does it? - Well, it doesn't have to be a big one.
Uh, Joe, it took Michelangelo four years to do the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
Yeah, well, he was an eyetie. Use a local.
What about that geezer what done Winston Churchill?
- Oh, you won't get him. - Why not?
- Well, for one thing, he's dead. - And secondly?
I know lots of artists who won commissions. Not cheap, though.
It's Lily's birthday for gawd's sake.
Money's irrevelant.
How much?
It depends on who we get, how many sittings...
Sittings? I ain't got time to fanny about on me arse all day.
Maybe we could take some photographs. Eric's a dab hand with a candid camera.
Bailey of Bury St. Edmunds we call him.
Anyway, we could take some snaps.
But it has to be a surprise.
- We'll come to your office. - OK, you're on.
Give us a bell first, though.
Lady Jane, she seemed well impressed with the Burmese girl.
Yeah, well, she would, Joe. She's got taste.
Yeah. Maybe I should send her a copy.
Yeah, nice touch.
Or maybe two.
Don't do that, Lovejoy!
How are you doing, freak?
Lady Jane says to start with an Adam fireplace.
- Make a focal point for the sitting room. - Very good idea. I've got a French one.
- Yeah, but that's not Adam. - Louis Quinze.
- Is it? - Quinze-ish.
- Well, how much? - Bang it out to him for five hundred.
Right. Hold on a minute. Isn't that the one you got from Honfleur?
Yeah.
- You only paid 30 quid for that. - It was a bargain.
- 470 quid mark-up? - Very, very good bargain.
You know what would look great here, Eric,
is one of those bronze reproductions of the Manneken Pis statue.
- The what? - The Belgian kid taking a widdle.
He'd look as if he was filling the pool, wouldn't he?
- Are you sure? - It'd fit like an envelope round a check.
Oh, and two packets of salt and vinegar crisps.
- There's just something about him... - I know.
...that's not exactly kosher.
Alexander won't hear a word against him.
- I noticed. - Sorry about that.
Rich as creases, yet he cuts corners like a one-armed paper hanger.
What exactly is this deal that Alex has got with him?
Some property transaction.
Piece of the Felsham estate.
I think you should suss him out.
We can't keep telling Alexander we just don't like him.
It's not a question of liking. Some of the biggest crooks are highly likeable.
You'd still be smiling when they slit your throat.
Proof. Concrete proof.
Ooh, that word, Jane, I don't like it.
Concrete. One part cement, two parts Lovejoy.
- Tinker, where's my landscape? - Saint Sotheby's snapped it up.
Squeezing the little man out again. Robbing the country of its heritage, Eric.
Right. Lily and Joe. I've made a list of things to look out for.
Could be wages, Tink.
- Lily favors Regency period. - She knows what Regency is?
Not exactly, no, but she like stripes.
Dad was a Brentford supporter.
- How about a pillar-and-claw dining table? - What about that Queen Anne chair?
Eric did a very fine job. Lovely piece of walnut. You'd never know.
That's not Regency.
You know that, I know that, Eric nearly knows it, but -
What if Joe found out?
I've told your people that what this project lacks is faces!
Docklands is a new city within a city concept.
Victorian warehouses are being replaced by gleaming offices and residential areas.
Come the year 2000, Docklands will be a home to 100,000 plus.
And it'll offer as many jobs as Bristol, a city with a workforce of 200,000.
So pull your finger out, right? Right.
Was that enough?
Fantastic.
(Claps)
- Who were you talking to? - No one. I done it for you.
- I was peeing meself. - So you're supposed to be.
Talking to me is talking to ten million quid and that does not want to be shouted at.
- You've done this before. - Yeah.
Journalist from the Financial Times said I use the phone like a blunt instrument.
I like that. But rubbished the company.
(Phone)
- No, not that one, that one. - Oh.
Yeah?
Yeah, I'll tell him.
That fax from Brussels is coming though now.
Right. On me way. Back in a minute, lads.
- Eric. - What?
- Get by that door! - What?
- Stand guard. Holler when he's coming. - Oh, no!
- You're not frightened, are you? - Terrified.
You big baby!
- What are you looking for? - I don't know.
Documents, papers, files, anything to link him with that Felsham deal.
- What if he comes back the other way? - We'll be caught.
Oh, don't! I'm too young to die.
And I've got tickets for the Guns N' Roses concert.
You've found someone to share this obsession with?
He's coming, he's coming!
You got enough smudges, then?
Oh, yeah. I should think so.
Get yourself a cuppa, Eric. I want a bunny with Lovejoy.
So, I can leave it all up to you, then?
- The portrait. - Oh, yes. She'll start tomorrow.
- Dinner the other night at the Felshams. - Very, very nice.
Did you notice?
- Notice what? - Lady Jane.
- Lady Jane? - Coming on very strong for me.
- She was? - Far-away look over the port wine.
- Are you sure? - Oh, yeah, I know that look.
I tell you, I always feel good about a deal if I can get a pull out of it.
Black ink on the books and a leg over.
Lady Jane!
Sugar?
Joe says I'm sweet enough!
- You've got lovely hands, Jane. - Oh, thank you.
Not a single oven burn on 'em.
- Oh, I'm sorry. You don't mind? - No, not at all.
D'you know, you can tell an awful lot about a person from their hands.
- Have you studied it? - No.
My friend Doreen, you know, the one who never conjugated her marriage,
well, she reads hands. Hands and teacups.
I imagine the teabag makes that difficult.
Oh, I'd never thought of that. I'll ask her!
Joe's got big hands.
Real diggers.
He gets right stuck in there!
- I'm talking too much, aren't I? - Of course not.
Joe was a boy soldier, you know. Joined when he was 15.
We still haven't decided on your kitchen.
Oh. Do we have to decide now?
- No. You want to discuss it with Joe? - I think it's best.
- Does Joe do much cooking? - Oh, no!
- He doesn't even know where the kettle is. - Then you should decide. It's your kitchen.
Oh...
Has Joe always been a one-man-band?
Oh, no. He used to have a partner.
Joe says he had got a terminal illness.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Greed.
It's Joe's little joke!
Here's one for the Gruder collection - Regency Canterbury.
That'll be nice for him to put his Financial Times in.
Found it in the Walworth Road. It was a lousy sale room.
Tried to sell me a Fulham mug - hunting scenes.
Meanwhile, Operation Joe Gruder. I want you two to find out all about him.
His past, his present and his future.
- Well, what about Lily? - Mrs. Gruder is 18 carat.
She comes up with some real pearls, but she's all right. I'm worried about Joe.
If he's trying to pull something over on the Felshams, I want to know about it. Right?
- Right. - Right?
- Right. - Right!
Oh, no, I really shouldn't.
Well, just a taste.
Oh!
That's G-R-U-D-E-R?
- That's him. - And it's for a profile?
You got it.
Can you work a microfiche machine?
- Well, can a baby cry? - Do you want to come with me?
- I bet you just love heavy metal. - Hate it.
(♪ Easy-listening music)
Lil, do us a favor, girl.
'Owitt, a jeweler. He's in the book under "H".
Give him a bell. Tell him to give us valuation on them pearls tonight.
Does it have to be today?
I'm going to Germany, Tuesday. I want it wrapped up by then.
We're under-insured and the burglars are on overtime. See to it.
Keep it warm till I get back. Ciao.
Yeah. OK, then, Joe.
(Eric) Joe Gruder had a partner - Roy Book.
He now lives in exile on the Costa Del Crime.
- Book had done time. Two lots. - What for?
- G.B.H. - Oh, nice people.
And another partner - James, known as "Pink Jim" Rutland, haulage contractor -
- Aren't they all? - Yeah.
...died while mackerel fishing off Brixham.
- I warned him about those shoes. - And this is the really good bit, right?
- You could take this up, Eric. - You reckon?
Get on with it!
Joe was arrested after the Brinx-Mac Robbery.
You remember?
Well, no charges were ever bought.
He don't smell of roses, does he?
- Sorry to interrupt. - Hello, darling.
Don't fiddle.
- About Joe Gruder... - Yes?
- I'm starting to worry. - Really?
- He's been associated with crooks! - So have you. Lovejoy.
- That was all a mistake. - Oh, I see.
Lovejoy's allowed a mistake, but Joe isn't? That's your idea of logic?
Joe's my partner and I'm delighted. Tell Lovejoy...
(Phone)
Yes?
Hello? Yep.
Hold on.
- Lily Gruder. - Oh.
Hello?
Jane, I'm in big trouble. Could you come and meet me?
Of course.
I'm in schtuck. Big, big schtuck.
- What's happened? - It's my pearls.
- Have you lost them? - No.
Joe wants me to get a jeweler in and have them valued.
What's wrong with that?
My son Alan, you know, the one I told you about.
- The one Joe disowns? - Yeah. Well...
He needed some money to migrate to Australia.
Yes?
- So I hawked 'em. - When?
Um...
Two weeks ago.
Oh. But you were wearing pearls the other day.
Oh, no, no. They were paste-ups.
- Where are they, then? - In Bishop's Stortford and the shop's shut.
The man's gone to Holland and Joe says it has to be today!
You'll just have to tell him to wait. Tell him it can't be today.
You can't tell Joe "can't".
They're my wedding presents.
Joe will kill me.
- Right. - Thank you.
Mr. Howitt, Joe Gruder.
Did Lily call you?
She didn't?
Damn.
I reckon she might be on to me.
Yes, you can. How are you fixed for tonight?
They'd do that? They'd send a man down?
For Joe? Oh, yeah, he's a good customer.
He may even have money in the firm.
Well?
I agree with Lily - trouble.
Oh, I'm so frightened! Joe's a sweetie, but when he's cross...
I promised Lily you'd think of something.
Well, that's nice.
- Lovejoy's very resourceful, aren't you? - Very.
This money lender, he's closed until tomorrow?
Oh, yes. It's the christening of his daughter's baby.
- Where? - Amsterdam.
Handy.
Well?
Don't rush me.
We've only got until tonight.
Hang about.
- Fancy a refill? - I don't mind.
Same again. Make it a large one.
- Ship come in? - I need a small favor.
- Cruelly insolvent at the moment. - It's not money.
- It's not money? - It's your body.
- Lovejoy... - I want to borrow it. Tonight.
To impersonate a jeweler.
- You pulling my wotsit? - It's only for an hour.
To help out Lily.
Of Joe and Lily?
I wouldn't go near that man if I were you. Remember what Eric's found out.
- He's a leg-breaker from way back. - He's a pussycat.
Well, he's not getting his claws into me.
This body is too old to mend.
- That's it? - That's it.
- That's your final word? - Final.
Right. I'll tell Jane, then.
- Jane? - Mm.
Jane's idea. I said you hadn't got the bottle.
- It was Jane's idea? - Jane thinks highly of you.
Well, thought highly of you.
No, hang on.
Lily!
May I introduce Major Dill, jeweler extraordinaire.
Hello, Tinker. Joe's not back yet. He'll be here any minute.
Come on in.
(Joe) Lily?
Lil?
Oh, Lovejoy.
- Hello, Joe. - Nice surprise.
This is Major Dill, and old friend. Joe Gruder.
Major. Any friend of Lovejoy's...
- What regiment? - Fusiliers.
Oh. Tower of London.
Major Dill's a jeweler.
Jeweler?
Yes, we heard you wanted some pearls valued.
You never called Howitt.
I tried, Joe, but I couldn't get through.
Oh, I thought you must've forgotten.
So I dropped by and picked him up.
Yes, well, one jeweler's company, two's a crowd. I think I'll yield...
No, no. You sit down, Major. Two heads are better than one, aren't they, Joe?
Mr. Howitt, right?
If you say so.
So...
Asprey's. Least the case is a good 'un!
You like pearls, do you, Major?
Yes, I like them well enough.
Anybody want their drinks freshening?
No, thank you.
Yeah, well. No point in poncing about, is there?
You care to kick off, Major?
- Or... - No, no, please.
No, you kick off, Major.
Yes, well, pearls, you know, are notoriously difficult to price.
No, I didn't.
Oh, yes. The greater pearl - for example, La Peregrina,
the one that Burton gave to Taylor -
they are virtually priceless.
Don't stop, Major.
One should always examine pearls against a pale background,
because the pearl, if it is a true pearl,
is a responsive surface.
They assume the color and the texture of their surroundings.
Like the lady's skin.
Exactly!
Now, question one - natural or cultured?
Natural, one would say,
because of the size and the match.
Color's interesting. Slightly pink.
Almost apricot.
South-east Asia, I'd suggest.
They're not that old. 30, 40 years.
Perhaps a little less. The luster, the gleam, is strong but gentle.
Pearls tend to fade if they're not worn next to the lady's skin.
Dull pearls, my dear, are pearls that are not worn.
Fascinating, Major, but you didn't say anything about worth.
What are they worth?
Um...
Well, as the Major looked and spoke first,
perhaps Mr. Howitt would like to price them first?
Without scales, without X-rays, without breaking up the string,
but knowing something of their history, something of their history,
I'd say approximately, and it has to be approximate,
42,000.
(Joe) Major?
I'm afraid I don't agree.
- You don't? - No!
What would you say, then?
- I'd say that Mr? - Howitt.
Mr. Howitt is way off the mark.
I'd say 45,000.
Perhaps even more.
Never, ever do that to me again.
You were terrific!
That man could put you in touch with your ancestors.
- How'd you do it? - Do what?
- Make him say what he did? - I don't know.
- Could they be genuine? - Search me.
I couldn't tell pearls from barley sugar.
Dear Lily. Bless her, she could've hawked the wrong ones.
And Robinson gave her £900 for paste and water?
Yeah, it's hardly likely, is it?
Oi!
Who's playing silly buggers, then?
(Lovejoy) We were about to ask you the same question.
- You sussed they was falsies, then? - It was obvious from where I was sitting.
A blind man would've spotted them.
(Joe continues to laugh)
When I saw you two sitting in there...
damn near dumped me lunch, I can tell you!
Saved my Danish, you two have.
Could you explain, Joe?
Oh, yeah.
About four year ago, big property gig goes belly-up.
Suddenly, I'm completely brassic, skint as a fart.
It's car-boot time. All the jewelry, the Krugerrands,
Hanson shares, even Lily's pearls.
I swapped them for some dreck.
Now I'm back in the moolah, I need to replace them P.D.Q.
Can you imagine if Lily found out her chokers, her wedding present,
nothing but paste and pee?
She'd slice 'em off. Never forgive me. Never.
There you go, my son.
A small token.
I've made it out to "bearer". With all the excitement, I forgot your name.
Joe!
Mr. Howitt's come over all of a sweat.
I've left him with his head between his knees!
Oh, yeah, well... Yeah, I'll come and see to him.
All right.
(Tuts)
Fusilier wearing an artillery tie!
I'll take that, Major. You might lose it.
Playfair white, marble chimney piece.
- How much? - Estimated 15, 25 thousand.
I'll pass.
Pair of colorful Meissen vases?
Something you said, Tink.
- Meissen? - No, last night.
About Robinson shelling out for paste pearls.
It was a good question. Still is.
(Phone)
Lovejoy Antiques.
Janey. I was about to call you.
(Jane) "Credit & Finance."
In other words, "pawnbroker".
- Do they still exist? - What a lovely, sheltered life you lead.
Now, why would he pay up for phoney pearls?
Yeah, why, indeed.
Perhaps Lily charmed him.
Well, she showed him the paperwork.
Original receipt plus insurance valuation.
Perhaps he just didn't check on them.
Gruder's name's very well-known.
Did you find out any more about Alex's deal?
He's selling Joe some land.
They're developing it together.
Taking out the gravel and turning it into something like a bird sanctuary.
Sounds very green.
Joe Gruder, green? Not exactly the color that springs to mind.
You don't think he could get Alexander into trouble, do you?
He wouldn't let me have them.
- What? Why not? - What? Why not?
He said they were paste, but they weren't. They were the real ones.
(Lovejoy) Blackmail.
Well, remember what Howitt said last night about 42,000?
Yes, that's right, yes?
You hawked the wrong ones.
I suppose so.
Real or false...
let's get 'em back.
Lovejoy's very resourceful.
- Robinson! - Yes?
You know me?
Well, you should. Joe Gruder.
My wife's pearls.
They aren't pearls.
Tell me something I don't know.
I accepted them in good faith. I gave her my check for £900.
- They aren't worth £50. That is fraud. - Thank you for the legal lesson.
She's got two sets. One real, one phoney.
The real ones, used for special occasions, the other for everyday use.
She played you the wrong string.
No, I'm sorry, I don't believe you.
You've got 30 seconds to change your mind.
It's not a very good view.
- What isn't? - Looking through two pennies
at the lid of a pine box.
You've made it out for a grand.
A ton for your trouble, Mr. Robinson.
Why "bearer"?
I wouldn't want anything in writing linking my name with yours.
Just in case.
Oh!
Oh, Joe!
- Lovejoy? - Mm?
These pictures of Joe Gruder.
Yeah. Oh, get them over to Patricia.
The sooner she has them, the sooner she can start.
No, there's a plan on the office wall behind his head.
It's part of the Felsham estate.
- Probably the bit they're developing. - No, but it says "Odyssey Park".
There's no park there. Look.
I missed it, Eric.
- Tink, your friend in the planning office? - Reggie Partridge?
Yeah. See what "Odyssey Park" means to him.
You are too kind.
Whoa, whoa!
I really shouldn't.
(Tinker) Odyssey Park.
Odyssey Park, Reg? Did it ring any bells?
Permission first applied for, July of this year.
May one ask who applied?
The architects representing the Felsham-Gruder Development Corporation.
And has permission been granted?
Oh! God moves mysteriously,
but not that fast.
Still, with the Felsham name attached, I can't envisage any particular objections.
Reg, what is an Odyssey Park when it's at home?
A theme park.
I thought they were just shifting the gravel.
Oh, yes, and then building on the site.
What sort of theme park?
A history of boats through the ages.
Everything from the Roman coracle to the QEII.
They'll be an adjacent motel,
shopping precinct, caravan site.
Oh, yes, it'll provide a lot of jobs.
It's a relatively high unemployment area.
And it'll rape the countryside.
Can't please everyone, Mr. Lovejoy.
What, if anything, has this got to do with Jane?
It's the one way I knew I could get you here.
- Ah, yes, I thought as much. - She's my friend.
- I care what happens to her. - Such altruism, Lovejoy.
All right, then, tell me what is going to happen.
She'll be discredited and made to look a fool.
And what affects her, affects me.
- But she's the friend, you're the husband. - I wish you'd remember that more often.
OK, Alex.
You're digging out the gravel, then what?
I don't have to explain.
- Humor me. - All right, then.
According to the geologist's survey, the pits will soon fill up with water,
and then we'll turn it into a mere or a bird sanctuary.
- And the gee-gees? - They'll be resettled.
- By the big dipper? - What are you going on about?
Oh, Alex, you've been conned.
Not that again. We've been through this!
Odyssey theme park.
"Man's love affair with the boat."
Alex, they'll probably put The Kingfisher - that's the 80-bed motel - over there,
next to The Kestrel - the shopping precinct.
And, of course, not forgetting The Seagull caravan site.
- Oh, my God. - One thing. You didn't hear it from me.
I've just heard about Patricia.
Premium bond came up. She went to Florence.
We'll never get anybody to paint the portrait in time.
Never.
(Tinker laughs)
(Sings)
Joe, what is it?
That bastard Felsham. He's backed out.
- Welshed on me. - Why?
I don't know. You must've said something to Lady Jane!
- I didn't! - Pissed, probably.
Argh! I didn't!
Shouldn't trust no one, never!
- Honest to God, it wasn't me. - How did Felsham find out?
You didn't tell him, who did?
- It could've been anyone. - Who?
Anybody!
- Names. Give me some names. - I don't know!
Somebody in the office.
Why would they do it? They'll all be earning wages out of it.
Who do we know?
Who we come in contact with? Who's been here or to the office?
Who...
Bring that weasel here. Yes, now.
Well, use your brains. Just do it.
No good toe-rag. I'll have him over, so help me.
Joe...
it wasn't Lovejoy, it were me.
You what?
Joe...
You don't need them Felshams.
You're Joe Gruder.
The Joe Gruder.
You don't need no favors from half-soaked aristocrats.
I mean, they're nice people in their way
but they're not our sort of people, Joe.
What you've got, what you've made, you've made yourself with a shovel,
not silver spoons.
You don't need no favors, not now.
You're big enough and good enough to make it on your own, believe me, Joe.
Please believe me.
And that's why you told him?
Yes.
No, Joe!
God, you're a lousy liar.
But you're beautiful, doll.
Cross me heart, Lily,
you ever left me, I'd be blitzed.
Wouldn't know me arse from a hole in the ground.
Oh, Joe!
(Bell)
Ah, yes. Mr Gruder's portrait.
I don't suppose you could wait? Say, a couple of hours?
No, I didn't think you could.
Bet Annigoni never had this trouble.
(Door opens)
The lengths some people go to to get a portrait delivered.
You two, outside.
Almost finished. Going well, eh?
You're doing it? What d'you take me for? A schmuck or something?
Half-price?
Why, Lovejoy, why did you do it?
Well, for one thing, she's gone away.
No, I didn't mean that. I meant Felsham.
Why did you tell him?
You wouldn't understand.
Try me.
Alex, Jane, they're my friends. I didn't want to see them conned.
What about you and me? We were friends, weren't we? Same kind of people.
- No, not really. - Come on, leave it out.
You find a turd, sell it as Louis Quinze. I do the same. What's the difference?
Difference is, you don't do it to friends.
Where d'you think their money came from? Conning the peasants,
cheating 'em out of their land. A field here, a field there.
There are certain things you don't do to friends, no matter what the deal is.
It's just like...
certain things you can't put a price on.
Name one.
(Lily sings)
Hello!
Best deal you ever made and it didn't cost you a penny.
Get out while you're ahead, and while you've still got one.
I ever see you again, I'll have you over, right?
Right.
Don't want me to finish it, do you?
(Sings)
- Bye, Lily! - Bye!
Ah!